What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person is made to question their own memory, perception, and judgment. It's a tactic frequently used within abusive relationships to undermine a survivor's grip on reality — making it harder to trust what they know, name what is happening, or seek help.

The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light (later adapted into the 1944 film Gaslight), in which a husband systematically manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her mind — including dimming the gas lights in their home... all the while denying anything is happening. His motivations are twofold - to hide criminal activity and keep his wife under control. This brought the term into popular culture, but it's become especially prominent in recent years, moving into serious research: Merriam-Webster named "gaslighting" its word of the year in 2022, reflecting how widely the term has entered public discourse.

Merriam- Webster defines it as:

"psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator"

as well as this broader definition:

"the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage"

Ways it operates

Denial

"That never happened." "You're imagining things." "I never said that." Direct denial of events the survivor has witnessed or experienced.

Minimization

"You're too sensitive." "You're overreacting." "It was just a joke." Reframing the survivor's response as the problem, rather than the behavior that prompted it.

Diversion

Changing the subject, introducing unrelated grievances, or questioning the survivor's motives when they raise concerns. "Here you go again." "Why do you always bring up the past?"

Discrediting

Telling others — friends, family, therapists — that the survivor is unstable, confused, or unwell. This isolates the survivor and preemptively undermines their credibility if they do seek help.

Impact Over Time

Gaslighting is effective precisely because it operates slowly. A single incident of denial might be confusing but manageable. A sustained pattern — over months or years — can seriously erode a person's confidence in their own perceptions. Survivors may begin to doubt themselves even before they question their partner.

Research has consistently identified depression, anxiety, and loss of self-esteem as consequences of gaslighting. One item from an early IPV survey — "how often does your partner suggest you're crazy or stupid" — was rated as both the most severe form of psychological abuse and the strongest predictor of psychological harm among all abuse items measured. These are responses to harm — not character flaws!

Gaslighting and Community Reinforcement

In close-knit communities, gaslighting can be reinforced by those outside the relationship. When family members, community elders, or religious leaders echo the abusive partner's narrative — "he's a good man," "you must be misremembering," "don't air our dirty laundry" — it deepens the survivor's isolation and self-doubt.

This is part of why community silence around abuse is not neutral. It has consequences for the people inside those homes.

There are several instances of this narrative being presented and glorified in popular culture, including in South Asian film -- which is a discussion we'll conduct down the line. It goes hand in hand with other forms of coercion and control disguised as "caring" or "loving" intention.

Reclaiming Trust in Oneself

Recognizing gaslighting — naming it — is often the first step toward rebuilding trust in one's own perceptions. Therapy, peer support, and access to trusted community members who affirm rather than minimize experience can be essential parts of recovery.

This post is part of the Shared Language Series — a set of definitions and frameworks that inform the research and artistic development behind It's Private.

References

Sweet, P.L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. https://www.asanet.org/wp-content/uploads/attach/journals/oct19asrfeature.pdf

Goodman, L.A., et al. (2024). Defining gaslighting in intimate partner violence: Insights from victim survivors. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law. https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2026-10140-001.pdf

Saez, G., et al. (2025). Illuminating gaslighting: A comprehensive interdisciplinary review. Journal of Family Violence.https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-025-00805-4

Darke, L., et al. (2025). Public perceptions of gaslighting: Understanding definitions, recognition, and responses. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075251366643

Warshaw, C., et al. (2014). Mental health and trauma-informed care for survivors of domestic violence. National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health.

Klein, S., et al. (2023). A qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 30(4), 1316–1340.https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12510