Understanding the Cycle of Abuse

One of the most common questions asked about IPV is: "Why doesn't she (or the victim in general) just leave?" This question, though often asked with genuine concern, reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of how abusive relationships function.

The cycle of abuse, first described by psychologist Lenore Walker in her 1979 book The Battered Woman, offers a framework for understanding why leaving is seldom simple — and why these relationships can often feel like something other than abuse. Given the difficulty in identifying these cycles, it was difficult to create a broad framework. Walker's model was based on interviews with more than 1,500 women from diverse backgrounds and was among the first to document these cyclical patterns.

The Four Phases

1. Tension building

   Stress and conflict build up -- the abusive partner may become increasingly irritable, critical, or withdrawn. The survivor often walks on eggshells, trying to prevent the inevitable escalation — using approaches like appeasing, withdrawing, or trying to manage their partner's mood.

2. Incident

   The abuse occurs — physical, sexual, emotional, or some combination. This is the most visible phase, though it is not the only one that causes harm. Incidents are not isolated - if it happens once, the likelihood of it happening again is high.

3. Reconciliation (the "honeymoon phase")

   The abusive partner may apologize, minimize what happened, shift blame, or shower the survivor with affection, gifts, or promises. This phase can be deeply confusing — because the person who caused harm may genuinely seem like a different person. For survivors with children, financial dependency, or deep emotional investment in the relationship, this phase is often what makes staying feel possible.

4. Calm

   A period of relative normalcy. The incident may not be discussed. Life continues... but the tension begins building again.

What the Cycle Explains

The cycle explains why survivors often describe their partner as "two different people." Abuse can intensify over time — Walker noted that with each cycle, the duration tends to shorten and severity tends to increase. It explains why the reconciliation phase — not just fear — keeps many people in harmful relationships (hope for a better future based on an overly "positive" reconciliation).

Of course, it does not explain everything. Walker's framework has been critiqued for being too linear and not accounting for the wide variation in how abusive relationships function. Not all relationships follow this pattern, as some are characterized by constant low-level abuse without clear cycles. Some are marked by a single, severe incident.

What remains consistent is this: leaving an abusive relationship is not a single decision made once. It is a process — often non-linear & interrupted — that requires safety, resources, and support.

Cultural Dimensions

In many South Asian communities, the reconciliation phase is reinforced by family and community pressure. Phrases like "every marriage has its problems" or "think about the children" or "it'll all settle down once you have children" or "we all went through this, it's normal"can delay recognition that what is happening is abuse. Research on South Asian women experiencing IPV in the US consistently identifies family pressure to remain in marriage, community stigma, and shame as significant barriers to leaving — which operate independently of, and alongside, the internal dynamics of the cycle itself.

This post is part of the Shared Language Series — a set of definitions and frameworks that inform the research and artistic development behind It's Private.

References

Walker, L.E. (1979). The battered woman. Harper & Row.

Wilson, M. (2019). Cycle of violence. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/9781118929803.ewac0083

VAWnet. (2009). Update of the "Battered Woman Syndrome" critique. https://vawnet.org/sites/default/files/materials/files/2016-09/AR_BWSCritique.pdf

Mahapatra, N., et al. (2021). Patterns of abuse among South Asian women experiencing domestic violence in the US. PMC.https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8048142/

EBSCO Research. Cycle of violence. https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/cycle-violence